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TO: Bobby Flay

FROM: Food Network Human Resources

Since you never seem to check your inbox, Bobby, we've decided to leave these messages in a place you're sure to find them (and where no one else is likely to stumble across them). If you've already Googled yourself today, of course, we'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

  1. Please leave your styling mousse and skin conditioner in your dressing room, not in the backstage kitchen. Rachael Ray just pan-fried some tilapia filets in some of your styling mousse and has been taken to the hospital to have her stomach pumped.
  2. Please stop referring to Cat Cora as "that chick."
  3. Please stop referring to Alton Brown as "the know-it-all dweeb."
  4. Please stop referring to Masaharu Morimoto as -- well, you get the idea.
  5. Adding chipotle pepper sauce to the toner does not give our brand new copier "southwestern kick." In fact, it cost us several hundred dollars to have it fixed. We would also prefer that you refrain from adding chipotle pepper sauce to the aquarium in the lobby, to the hand soap dispensers in the men's restroom, or to anything which isn't being prepared by you on a program you are scheduled to host.
  6. We are as upset as you and Stephanie March (should I refer to her as Mrs. Flay?) about the perception that Dick Wolf's Law & Order franchise is weakening. However, I regret to inform you that we are unable to accept your proposal for Mrs. Flay to host Unwrapped: Special Vittles Unit. We already air 37.5 hours of Unwrapped each week, and so we don't have much room for a spin-off.

Thanks for your attention.

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