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CBS is a television network run by Les Moonves and watched by old people.

Originally devised in 1946 as a "mechanical comfort for the elderly," CBS was launched by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to replace the role of ever-busier family members and friends in the lives of aged Americans. Viewers were treated to bland, easily digestible fare that took them back to happier times without placing undue strain on their teeth or kidneys. Vestiges of this original programming mandate can be seen to this day, in programs like Yes, That's My Spouse!, I'm Pretty Sure We're Married, and Still Standing.

However, flagging ratings in the late-1990s -- without a corresponding increase in the death rate of U.S. senior citizens -- prompted CBS to do a new round of market research, which revealed a radical shift in the viewing preferences of its audience. Justifiably embittered by years of neglect from children and grandchildren, CBS' aged audience now hungered for blood, eager to see those young whippersnappers get what was coming to them. Starting with the smash hit CSI franchise, CBS rolled out a series of programs in which young people are savagely, brutally murdered for transgressions such as having sexual intercourse out of wedlock, driving large vehicles at high speeds, or leaving the house unescorted.

The new strategy has proved a resounding success, and network executives estimate it will sustain them for at least the next 20 years, after which the increasing senility of its audience will allow CBS to air the same program every night of the week, confident that viewers won't remember what happened at the end of one showing before the next one begins.

Notable Shows

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