Dick Wolf is the creator of the Law & Order franchise on NBC. He has been hailed as an innovator in TV production for his groundbreaking use of a sweatshop of Salvadoran immigrant children as the writing staff of his shows. Each week, these sobbing, terrified orphans rip true-crime stories from the headlines with their bare hands, then craft them into scripts using an assortment of large and dangerous machinery. Understandably, the turnover among the Law & Order writing staff is nearly as high as that of its cast.

Rumors suggest that Wolf is, in fact, an immortal being who has been producing variations of Law & Order for centuries. There are unconfirmed reports that he decapitated an unknown assailant with a claymore in a Brooklyn parking garage in 1987, before basking orgasmically in an ensuing lightning storm erupting from his opponent's corpse.

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