NBC is a television network run by apes. It once was run by the great Warren Littlefield, but has now fallen into the sad and terrible hands of Jeffrey Zucker.

NBC's mystical symbol.

Historical Background

Once it was a mighty and flourishing civilization, a televised empire that ruled in justice and harmony. In the celebrated Cheers/Cosby era, it made America laugh with the notion that alcoholics could be both lovable and hilarious, and that the world did indeed contain so great a variety of unusually patterned sweaters. NBC's flourishing criminal justice system began in this period, consisting of the police, who solve crimes, and the district attorney's office, which prosecutes those crimes. Under the wise and sarcastic guidance of Saint Lennie of Briscoe, guiding spirit of multiply divorced television detectives, crime rates reached an all-time high -- averaging one murder a week -- but conviction rates reached equally loftly levels.

As that period gave way to the Seinfeld/Friends/Frasier Epoch, the first rumbling hints of NBC's future collapse began to emerge. Following the notorious trial in which Jerry Seinfeld and his three co-defendants were convicted of being amusing but awful, and sentenced to life in reruns and syndication, the balance of power that had maintained peace and stability throughout NBC began to crumble. Crime proliferated, necessitating an ever-increasing number of police procedurals to combat, while the network's dominant forces in Seattle and New York remained too blinded by their love lives and assorted wacky misunderstandings to see the network's real problems. When the celebrated Council of Six and Their Improbably Large Apartment imploded in a hail of indie movie contracts and stratospheric salary demands, the Dark Times began.

NBC is now a savage wasteland, where warring squads of police officers -- some from the same organization! -- vie for dominance. Gambling and cleavage have flourished in Las Vegas (though many consider this a very good thing indeed) and the last remaining member of the Council of Six is rumored to have established a crumbling kingdom in Los Angeles. Reports and photographic evidence suggest that he may, in fact, have eaten his five former friends. There were brief indications earlier this year of some sort of alien invasion from beneath the oceans, and the Pentagon's elite forces remain busier than ever in the neverending fight between vicious terrorists and Benjamin Bratt's uncanny good looks. Ratings-desperate citizens must frequently eat insects and cow innards to survive; the network's obese are made to compete in brutal weight-losing competitions, and Howie Mandel has consolidated control over the network's monetary policy. The Bartlett Administration, whose promising first few years became mired in scandal and failure, is limping to its close, and at least one Chicago emergency room is reportedly populated entirely by the walking dead. Amid all this, word is spreading that Saint Katie of the Morning may leave her flock for greener pastures.

However, even in these dark times, there are rays of hope. Downtrodden citizens whisper of a hospital where mirth and merriment reign, though it never seems to stay in the same place for long. NBC's industries remain strong, particularly the paper mills, of Scranton, PA. And hushed rumors circulate of a mysterious, mustachioed wanderer, unleashed upon the land to right wrongs and perform penance for his sins in the name of karma.

Will the dark times ever end for NBC? Probably. Someday. But likely not while that Zucker guy's in charge.

Notable Shows

NBC is also notable for having played host to the greatest two-hour programming block in the history of television.