Victor Garber is a classically trained actor, former star of Broadway musicals, and consummate badass. His steely glare has killed three people, and hospitalized twelve others, during his five-season run on ABC's Alias. He was informed of the series' cancellation remotely, by encrypted satellite telephone call, due to producers' entirely justified fear of his disapproval. Unconfirmed reports suggest that an entire flock of birds, flying above Garber at the time he receieved the call, promptly dropped dead.
Garber subsequently obtained employment on Fox's dramatic series Justice after he appeared, dressed in an Armani suit, hip waders, and thick rubber gloves, at the foot of executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer's bed at 3 a.m. and cleared his throat in a meaningful fashion.
What to Do if You Encounter Victor Garber[]
- Do not make eye contact. Victor Garber will take this as a threat, and may attack.
- Make no sudden moves. Slowly and carefully back away, keeping your front to Victor Garber at all times.
- Do not under any circumstances ask for an autograph. You don't want to know where your pen will end up.
- If you see Victor Garber at a safe distance, do not approach, make loud noises, or attempt to take photographs. Especially if he's carrying a spork.
- Do not mention the word "thong" in Victor Garber's presence.
- If Victor Garber becomes enraged, quickly begin to sing a medley of songs from Godspell. Provided that you are sufficiently on key, it may pacify him long enough for you to escape.
- Whatever you do, don't mention his ears.